Yesterday when I woke up, all I could think of was how far behind I was on my blog posts. Every month I put together a little “editorial” calendar for myself. It keeps me on track, motivated and gives me clear ideas about what to write about. Yes, I’m anally organized…most of the time. Coming off a fantastic weekend of teaching my first Letting it Flow: Yoga for Creative Writing workshop I thought surely I’ll have the time to get back on track today. It was my plan after all. I’ve got a clear calendar, details are wrapping up on some side projects…finally some room to breathe!
But unfortunately the universe had other plans and I was the recipient of some devastating family news. I won’t go into too much detail. It’s all still too raw and too surreal to put into words. My practice and writing will be strong tools to help me through this and thus the sharing of my journey with you. Hearing this news felt like the world stopped. I am pretty sure my heart did! And then slowly, very slowly I came back to the moment, my apartment, the voice on the other end of the phone and the matter at hand.
Naturally, I was upset. I didn’t start to cry right away, but I knew it was coming. I stood still, took a few deep breaths and tried to rumble around my apartment (thankfully it was my work from home day!). Then it began. The rush of overwhelming emotions. The clarity, the confusion, the hurt, the anger. All at once it came and as I tried to sift through it as thoughtfully as possible I also tried not to block it out. After so many years, I have come to know that keeping everything locked up inside is not a healthy coping mechanism and have learned instead to allow the waves of emotions come and go as they please. I continued to focus on my work, but found it difficult to speak on the phone, having instead to rely solely by email and IM. It was the least I could do and staying busy made the day move faster.
The end of my day was spent with my super supportive and amazing boyfriend, talking with close friends and sorting through details for the weekend. At times it all seems like too much and then again, it’s not really. It’s just one thing at a time. That’s what I keep reminding myself. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One “to-do” at a time. One day at a time. Everything will be as it is intended to be and it’s all a part of the process. That’s not to sound cold or uncaring, that could not be farther from the truth! Instead, it’s my understanding through my practice that we must go through what we are going through in order to get to where we are going. This “stuff” is not new, in fact, I am sure I’ve been working on it for many lifetimes and I now have the opportunity and the tools to work through these trials with clarity.
I am not sure what the next few days, weeks, months, hold. But then again, do any of us really know? One moment, we’re worrying about blog posts and the next moment, our lives are changed forever.
Stay present, stay with love, stay with the breath and know all will be as it will be.