I woke up this morning and finally felt like I could take a deep breath and relax. My last bit of holiday craziness ended this weekend with my birthday on Friday and my office’s annual holiday party on Saturday. Since I’m one of the event planners it was work, work, work all weekend long. Not to mention that I tweaked my back on Friday morning vacuuming (happy birthday to me!). Today starts my regular routine. I’m really looking forward to it.
This is not to say that my holidays were bad, they weren’t. Rather, for me, the holidays this year brought with them a certain sense of anxiety and sadness. First of, I got the flu the week before Christmas and it took everything out of me…literally. From my physical well-being to mental, emotional and even at times my spiritual being, it felt like the wind had been sucked out of all of my sails and I was simply bobbing along a sea of anxiety and worries. I did my best to allay any concerns or fears and I think for the most part I did a good job. There were probably times where I could have done better, but in the moment I was always doing my best. I think that’s most important.
A few days following Christmas, we visited my brother and his family in Colorado. My dad was visiting him too. It was the first time we’ve spent a holiday together in many years. The last time we did so, my mom was with us. That was hard, but also, I think it was good that we could work through the adjustment together. There were times when we were sitting around watching a football game or enjoying a meal when I’d stop and think someone was missing. I’d literally start counting the people in the room, over and over again. Nope, we were all there, but really we weren’t. My gut and my heart tells me mom was sitting right there in the room with us, enjoying the game and family dinners too. There is some peace in that thought for me. I know how much she would have enjoyed the time together.
I’m still adjusting to life as a married woman, my new family and the dynamics it brings. We only just tied the knot in June and although we have spent the holidays with my in-laws for the past few years, this year felt different, primarily because we did them differently, but also because maybe I’m just different. I think the anticipation of visiting my family as well as all of the change with my teaching schedule and work had me craving for some consistency, but even here, there was not. Without really realizing it, the last few weeks of the year became a season of transition, for which I was not prepared. Good thing I was able to tap in to my breath and ride the wave a little bit. Still, it was challenging.
And here I sit, wondering if the awareness I’ve gained over each passing moment through the practice of Yoga has made any difference in the way I view these situations. I wonder if I am too overly aware sometimes of what is going on with my mental fluctuations, breath and body tensions and if that is the practice now. To let go a little bit more. To fully release from whatever gets conjured up to the surface, rather than trying to decipher it. To own my fragility as well as my strength and be okay with admitting I’m having a hard time tuning in. To accept who I am, where I am at, and the gifts I have to share. To redefine my outlook on what it means to be fulfilled and how I think it should be done versus how it’s happening. When I ask myself during meditation “what do I need to know” these are the thoughts that come to me and so, these are the things I begin the New Year off contemplating, but maybe it’s time to stop thinking about them and just allow them to be as they are.
This is the sigh of relief I took this morning as I woke up, excited to have time to get back to my blog and happy to be back to my normal routine. Finally, feeling my feet touching down on the ground and standing firm in my legs, feeling renewed. This is the gift of Yoga, the union with the Divinity within that settles the disturbed system. This is my balance. This is my home.