Confession: I recently almost walked away from teaching yoga and this blog for good. That was until a few of my students reminded me that what I do matters. And by inspiring them, they inspired me.
If you know me or have been following my blog, then you know this year has been filled with tremendous ups and downs. From the completion of my 500 hour teacher training with Sri Dharma Mittra to the unfortunate circumstances that landed me in the hospital for five days and the long road to recovery that followed, to the early arrival of my son Noah, it’s been a wild year. While personally life could not be sweeter, professionally things have been a bit muddled and by the end of this summer I was found my self fed up and ready to walk away from it all.
Preparing for Noah’s arrival was a good distraction. I landed a position in an office doing non-yoga related work that I admit, I rather enjoy and plan to continue to do. At that time though, I convinced myself that this was my path now and teaching yoga was a thing of the past. It was a welcome respite giving me time to reflect on myself and my feelings towards yoga practice and the industry as a whole.
I hid from the yoga world, logged off of social media and quarantined myself away from all I had grown to love, including my peers. It was easy to do being pregnant and unable to attend many classes. It’s hard to accept where you belong when you cannot accept where you are at. Circumstances from my professional life left me reeling and all I wanted was to get as far away from it as I could. I grappled with fear and told myself “it’s time to grow up”, “what you do doesn’t matter, no one will miss you.” I really started to believe the crap I was telling myself.
I knew something was off when I thought I might shut down this blog forever and allow my thoughts to dissolve into the ether. Rather that act on that mind game, I reflected instead, too attached to the time I’ve put in over the years to hit the delete button right away.
In the weeks following Noah’s arrival, I struggled with next steps. Do I teach, stick with my office work or try to do both? I kept telling myself that the practical thing to do was give up teaching for the time being; that it would be too hard to do both. Deep inside my heart was aching to serve once again, however I continued to vacillate.
Then I received an invitation from a few of my students to teach a Dharma class at a new studio. At first I hesitated. Could I really do this? I felt so far from where I’d been that I wasn’t sure I had anything to offer anymore. Yet, that breaking, aching voice pushed me forward and I decided to teach the class.
I taught said class this weekend and was more nervous than I’d been in years.The last asana class I taught was months ago. Could I remember everything? Would it come back or would I be caught with a case of stage fright and run out of the room? As Sri Dharma reminds us from the Bhagavad Gita, “release any expectations from the fruit of your actions and make every action an offering.” So…that is exactly what I did. That class became an offering in the highest sense.Not only to my students to but to my dharma and my purpose to serve. Although rusty, the class went well and I was happy to be in the seat of the teacher again.
I am so grateful to my students for believing in me when I had all but given up on myself. When I saw them, they both kept telling me how grateful they were for me helping them on their path, as both are now doing the work they feel called to do. Although I can’t say I had a major part in this, I am grateful to have been a support for them. And now, even though they don’t realize it, I am grateful to them in that same way that they gave me the space to show up and connect with my purpose once again. We truly are all mirrors of each other.
I was ready to walk away, but now I am inspired to stay the course. Inspiration comes full circle.