I’ve been thinking a lot about resistance lately. It keeps coming up for me in my new role as mommy. I would like to say my transition to motherhood has been seamless, but that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s been downright messy, challenging and at times, infuriating. It is, in fact, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most rewarding. Each day brings new obstacles to tackle and new joys to experience. It is heaven on earth to experience this miracle every day.
I am constantly blown away by it all.
Admittedly, I’ve been pretty stressed since baby Noah arrived. I am grateful each day for a strong spiritual practice, rock solid friends, and an amazing supportive family. I’d be lost otherwise.
I didn’t realize I was resisting motherhood until I started to reflect on why I felt I was having such a hard time. It appears to be so easy for some people. But then again, we know that appearances aren’t everything. For me, one of the more challenging aspects has been returning to work now that Noah is here. Before the baby came I had plans to go back to work full-time. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out. A true believer that everything is perfect I didn’t let it deter me, but instead started to piece together part-time work and teaching classes.
I became obsessed with going back to working thinking this would add normalcy to my otherwise chaotic days.
I started moving through my new schedule, focusing on finding balance in my day-to-day. It was hard to do, but I continued to do my best. As time wore on I became stressed out trying to take care of Noah while trying to work, which is damn near impossible to do both. I am still on the search for affordable, part-time child care, so for now it’s just me and him all day long. I pushed forward though, trying to make my new schedule work for me. I resisted the idea that my full-time job was just taking care of Noah. Instead, I persisted in trying to make all this other stuff work, even though it really wasn’t working at all.
Still not deterred (or rather too stubborn to quit), I gave it my all even though it became increasingly more difficult to schedule meetings and conference calls with Noah needing my attention. I felt bad about trying to do both. I love my work, but my family comes first. I put the pressure on to get things done and started resenting my situation. I was angry, stressed out, and frustrated. The financial gain, coupled with my emotional stress, just wasn’t adding up.
After some reflection I realized that I was identifying my self-worth with how much I could do and what I brought in rather than what I was able to give my family. This is all wrong.
I decided that enough is enough. Ain’t nobody got time for that and my family needs me the most.
Since I made this decision to cut back, life at home is so much more enjoyable. We’re finding our flow. The days seem easier and we’re all much happier. Sure, there are days when I feel the pull to do more, but I’m focusing on doing less. I’m gradually coming to accept motherhood and all it’s bounty although it’s all still new to me. I am grateful to be able to put it all aside for now and focus on one thing, instead of many things. Noah and my family need my energy the most, so that’s where the attention is going.
When I was resisting motherhood, it was smacking my in the face until I finally let go. Now that I have, things are so much easier. In the same way, I was really resisting launching my program Yoga for Digestion, but finally found the courage to do so again. I’m super motivated to bring back all the goods that I’ve so desperately been wanting to share and it’s something that works for me and my family. I’m even more inspired and full of creative energy every day. Everything is perfect.
It’s my time and I’m ready for the next step.
Reflect: what obstacles keep coming up for you? Are you resisting the change or able to go with the flow? Share your thoughts in the comments below and let’s support one another.