- Stop making excuses for myself: I have the will, the power and the skill to do the work I want to do.
- Listen to my intuition more: I have been smacked on my forehead so many times in the past few weeks by my intuition that if I don’t start listening I feel as if it will jump out and slap me, lovingly of course ;). Developing my intuition and learning to listen to it are key to finding my way.
- Realize that I have great gifts to offer too: I have so many amazing friends that are doing amazing things and sometimes I think, I can never do that…but that’s self-defeating and down right silly. I may not do exactly what they are, but I can find something of the same equivalent that works for me. Even though my little self doesn’t want to admit, I know that I have a lot to share.
- Try new things. I have a LOT of ideas: In fact, I have been accused of having lots of ideas and not enough follow through, so you know what? I’m going to follow through and whether they are good ideas or not, I’m going to do it. I’ve just made all this space on my calendar, so now I can stop making excuses (see #1) and start getting things done!
- Make the connection: Some people are really good at this. I’m really good at this when it comes to other people, but not myself. Following up on connections once they are made is not my forte. However, that way of thinking is not sustainable. I have to remind myself that even though it might not work the first time, that doesn’t mean defeat, it only means it’s not the right time or fit. Everything will work out as intended.
I’m completely living this saying right now! Over the past few weeks, and months really, I’ve taken time to reevaluate what it is I really want to do with my life and decided that it didn’t include staying at my current job any longer. I’m taking a huge leap of faith and aligning my career path with my purpose: to teach, to write, to share and to communicate. That’s right. I turned in my two weeks notice and have lined up some exhilarating opportunities that I believe will fill me up!
I’ve been working on manifesting some major changes in my career for some time, but had to put it all on the back burner as I dealt with my family’s recent state of emergency this summer. That’s not to say that I’ve totally moved on from the loss of my mother and grandmother (definitely not), but now there is some closure in that arena and voila, things are finally happening! I acknowledge that it will take some time to get my ideas and work all flowing together, so I’ve added a little extra patience to my practice and overall, complete trust in whatever is to come.
A friend shared this write up from the DailyOm today and it was almost too fitting:
In my dream I am walking with a younger version of myself.
She is unsure, insecure, and shy.
She’s only 11 or 12 years old, still learning and growing.
She doesn’t understand how she has so much love to give,
yet it never seems to come back quite the same way.
She doesn’t see how others miss the beauty all around them.
She longs to be nurtured.
Quiet child, and listen.
I take her hand and tell her we’re okay.
Look how far we’ve come.
You’re the most beautiful you there is—unique and special.
It’s bright up ahead. Don’t be scared.
There’s a clenching in my chest and then—silence.
She is scared, but wants to believe me.
She wants to feel confident.
She wants to feel loved.
She just needs more time.
She’s too trusting and has been hurt before.
I want to be good—she says.
You are good.
I am here for you—I say.
We are one.
Starting somewhere, ending nowhere.
Infinite and holy.
We can move on now.
But first, we must let love in.
Trust me—I say.
All is taken care of.
All will be okay.
All is here. All is provided for.
You already know.
I’ve got you…I won’t let you fall.
The tightness in my chest starts to pass.
She eyes me curiously for more than a few moments.
With trepidation places her small hand in mine.
She looks up, tears welling, smile brightening.
I trust you—she says.
The clenching ceases.
We walk along feeling the sun on our face, watching butterflies skip amongst the flowers.
We take in the fresh fragrant air and feel the earth, moist between our toes.
She is hesitant, but grows more confident with each step.
Smiling and giggling.
The worst is over.
We will be okay—I say.
I am here for you.
I will never let you fall.
She smiles wide.
And I awake.
It goes without saying that this piece is pure stream of consciousness. It’s all that I feel in the best way I can describe. It is part of my journey. I share to encourage you to go deep, release, and grow.
Man, do I love a good practice and today was no exception. I wasn’t expecting much, but definitely got more than I could have ever wanted…and certainly what I needed.
There I was innocently moving through my advanced yoga class, listening intently to the opening meditation, placing my foot deliberately on the mat for a steady foundation, and watching the pace of my breath. We were nearing the end of class, where surely, there would not be any more surprises…I mean, with 5 minutes left, what else could happen but a lovely Savasana?
But alas, there it was. My nemesis…Sirsasana-or headstand to most folks.
I’ve been working on headstand for a while now, and I’m not ashamed to say I haven’t mastered it. In fact, sometimes I can pop right up and sometimes I just stay curled in a little ball. Nevertheless, I’m usually trying my hardest no matter what stage I’m in. I always figure one of these days it will happen and I go with where I’m at that day. Oddly enough, when I’m at home alone and practicing headstand, I have no problems getting up, without the wall, without props, without help. But in class, in front of others, I freeze up.
Well, today was a little different. You see, my teacher and friend came over to assist me in the pose. I got up and once I was there I was overtaken by complete and utter, heart wrenching fear. I found myself saying to myself “please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me….” I was so scared of what would happen if she walked away I nearly lost it right then and there.
After class I was talking with a friend of mine about this experience. She asked me “what do you think you are afraid of?” and as I broke down in the middle of King St. I told her “I think it’s because I’ve never felt I’ve had anyone to fully support me, so having my teacher there in a situation that is so frightening to me was completely overwhelming.”
You see, I’m the consummate caretaker. Always have been, and I suppose, always will be. Since the day I was born I have felt responsible for the well-being of my loved ones and friends. I’ve always taken care of parent’s needs and everyone else around me, before taking care of myself. (mom and dad, if you’re reading this, please know that I’m eternally grateful for the life you have given me no matter how hard it is sometimes. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today). I’m the friend that will always support whatever endeavor you have. If you want something to happen, I’ll make sure it does. I have always found great joy in helping others succeed and seeing them fulfill their dreams. However, my supportive enthusiasm often leaves me feeling unbalanced in a way that I’m left overextended and incomplete.
But today, I allowed someone I trust to help me in a position of vulnerability. I trust my teacher and friend, and I know she’d never let go or allow me to hurt myself.
Lying in Savansa a childhood experience locked deep away in my memory suddenly came flooding to my mind’s eye. I distinctly remember sitting in the tree swing of my best friend’s front yard. I must have been 6 or 7 years old at the time. It was a gorgeous old tree (by the way, I’m obsessed with trees) with glorious, exposed, strong roots. I remember sitting on this swing in my friend’s front yard, all by myself, enjoying the summer day, when all of the sudden the rope snapped and I went hurtling toward the ground. As I lay there breathless and crumpled on the ground I remember thinking, “oh God, I’ll never walk again. I can’t breathe. I’m alone and there’s no one here to help me.” I was so scared. Finally, my breath came back to me. I was able to move. Somehow, I got up and walked home. I don’t even recall telling my mom and dad what happened, but perhaps I did. That part is all a blur. Somehow, I feel as if I took care of it and moved on.
My fear in headstand is that I’ll fall down and and break my neck and back. The reality is that I won’t. I’m strong enough to do this pose, but am I ready?
Today was a reminder that I’m not out there all alone and that it’s okay to let someone help you. In fact, it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that having someone to take care of you in the energetic, emotional, and spiritual way, is particularly necessary for our own personal growth. Perhaps, I’m not ready for headstand, but I’m not willing to give up. I know that today’s practice was one part of the process and now that I’m able to sit and consider all that has happened, I feel I’m able to evolve and clarify my intentions for myself and those around me.
And for now I can rest easy by taking time to enjoy the journey, the experience, and the unique and powerful way that yoga is able to unlock and breakthrough such indelible moments.